Archive for the ‘“College Football: The Movie”’ Category

The clean, cool chill of the holiday air…

November 17, 2008

…an asshole head coach in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer…


First image of Quaid as Nutt…I pity any man who lights a match within ten yards of this movie. It’s going to be dynamite.


“CF: The Movie”- Casting The SEC

November 17, 2008

Good morning, dear readers. First let me apologize for the delay in this post, it should have been up Friday, but I was too hungover to even pretend to be clever. Then by the time I got my poop in a group, turned out I had work at my job to do.

Regardless, this is big news for the progress of initially casting “College Football: The Movie”.  Today’s focus is on part one of the SEC. Truly an all-star cast already, the SEC has really upped the standards for acting.  Note: the majority of these actors were chosen by their previous roles, which may or may not be incorporated…


Phillip Fulmer played by Fred Thompson

Keep it in the family. That’s the motto in Knoxville, so naturally they turned to Thompson, the fair state’s former senator, fresh off his failed presidential candidacy run. Fred doesn’t follow football and as result, doesn’t know yet that this story doesn’t have a happy ending either.


Sylvester Croom played by Danny Glover

Not much to say here. Forrest Whitaker turned down the role assuming it was an animated movie and Sylvester Croom was a new Looney Tune character. This is another role about overcoming adversity clearly. Glover is already trying to work in “I’m getting too old for this sh*t” into the script. Little does he know, true to real life, Croom has very little to say in the film.



Rick Brooks played by Craig T. Nelson

Great casting choice by producers, just remember, when talking to Nelson, his character’s name is “Hayden Fox”, it’s just easier, trust us.


Bobby Johnson played by James Brolin

A decent actor for a bit-part.


Houston Nutt played by Randy Quaid

Basically, Randy will be returning to his Cousin Eddie character from the Vacation movies, only with a little more Southern charm, but maintaining the Dixie-bred bumbling around.


Les Miles played by Kurt Russell

Very simply, an action role. This part is set to inspire a spin-off movie called “Escape from Baton Rouge”; it has something to do with a hurricane ruined society and battling an evil pot smoking quarterback trying to take over.


Mark Richt played by Kevin Costner

Costner showed early interest in the role, wanting to really delve into who Richt really is and give him some depth. However, realizing the potential overacting of the part, and wanting to avoid a Waterworld-esque budget disaster, Costner has been put on the back burner. Coincidentally, “Waterworld” was the first title choice for “Escape from Baton Rouge”.


Mark Richt played by William Fitchner

Perhaps a more fitting thespian, definitely an equally fitting hairline, producers have hired character actor Fitchner.


Urban Meyer played by Christian Bale

Rumors are, in yet another movie crossover, Patrick Bateman-like scenes of Meyer. More details on that to come. Another rumor suggests that in order to be more ominous, Bale will use a nasally voice while speaking through his headset.


The Ghost of Bear Bryant played by James Cromwell

Stay tuned for discriptions of dream sequences with Saban and Bryant.

“That’ll do, pig face.”


Coming soon, new Friday casting post, depending on my Thursday night activities…

UPDATE: “College Football: The Movie”

November 11, 2008

Fresh off our latest news about initial casting last Friday, we have breaking word about principal photography starting today in Trojan-country. In what will surely be described as an Oscar-worthy roll about overcoming odds and incontinence, Sir Peter Falk has wasted no time getting into character as the lovable Paterno. Old Columbo was spotted on the street just outside the set, practicing lines, and scaring children. When asked questions about production, he lunged, screamed in support of the Nittany Lions. (Spoiler alert) He then shouted what will inevitably became the “THIS IS SPARTA” of 2009 (See photo). Falk then untucked his shirt and wandered back towards set, presumably for wardrobe or a different JoePa “changing”.


Stay tuned for Friday, more casting news to devulge.

Friday Movie Spectacular

November 7, 2008

(Note: pictures issue resolved)


Since I’m assuming what few readers we have currently are probably hungover this morning, I’ll cut straight to an image-heavy post today.  As much as I appreciate the many collegiate football movies currently out there, I can’t help but wonder what Hollywood would do with a film based on current NCAA football. And while I’ve been almost more interested in what Bollywood would do with it, I’ll only entertain the former. Now don’t get me wrong, movies about overcoming odds and Disney-finishes are great (see the recent Walt film which should have been titled “The Express to DVD”), I need something a bit more contemporary. I’m not so much concerned with the plot, though, as I am the casting. We’ll start simple with the best loved coaches.


Charlie Weis played by John Goodman

I don’t know who better to capture Charlie’s charisma, energy, focus, character… ok, I admit, this one is 90% based on weight comparisons. Industrial Light and Magic has been contacted for digital runny nose shots. Acting notes: wear hoodies, hunch over press table.


Joe Paterno played by Peter Falk

Do yourself a favor and listen to audio clips of these two back to back.


Ty Willingham played by Denzel Washington

Mr. Washington heard there was a role about black man overcoming adversity and naturally jumped on it, not knowing this story might not have a cheery ending. Hopefully, Denzel likes DiGiorno.

When asked to comment, Ty said “It would be naïve on my part to think race didn’t play a role in this decision”


Mark Mangino played by George Wendt

The near-Notre Dame grad was inched out for the role of Weis, but kept in touch with producers, who said they had a role that would fit perfectly. Commence mustachetacular, Norm.


Nick Saban played by Javier Bardem

Fresh off his Oscar win, Bardem was eager to play another part in which he transforms a complete asshole into someone the audience cares about, regardless of his actions in the name of business. Bravo.

“I don’t want to talk about the polls, friendo”


Randy Shannon played by Carl Weathers

Who better to take on the role of the most interesting man in college football than Action Jackson? I thought so.

“…baby, you got yourself a stew going”



Lee Corso played by Mel Brooks

Separated at birth, neither destined to ever be taken seriously.


Stayed tuned for next Friday’s casting, this will be an ongoing segment. Now go back to pretending to work.