Archive for the ‘Nonsense’ Category

Kevin Garnett: Skunkbear?

November 10, 2009

Here’s an interesting photo pulled from the SI Vault . . .

Wikipedia reveals that Garnett turned pro out of high school in 1995, the first prep player to jump to the pros since Darryl Dawkins and Bill Willoughby were drafted by Philly and Atlanta, respectively, in ’75.  The Big Ticket also played soccer in high school. A Mike Gundy visor to anyone with video of the 6’11” soccer player.

We also found this on Wikipedia . . .

“During his senior year, Kemp signed a national letter-of-intent to play basketball at the University of Kentucky. However, he left the team after he was caught pawning two gold chains that had been reported stolen by his teammate Sean Sutton.”

This tells us two things: 1. Sean Kemp technically did not jump straight to the NBA from high school and 2. Former Okie State coach Sean Sutton both owned and admitted to owning gold chains. We’re not sure if this somehow implicates Sutton in one of Kemp’s two hundred paternity suits.


Great Moments in Recruiting History

February 9, 2009

Yes, another slow day at work for me and a slow day of ND news unless you want to just countdown until the next Irish basketball loss. So before I start talking about why Luke Zeller could never balance sunglasses, let’s get back in that LaBaron and hang a u-turn.



Kevin Hart: Big Fool or the Biggest Fool? You be the judge.

Last year at this time, recruiting season, you all might remember a story that came out about a boy named Kevin Hart. Clearly you realize I use the term “boy” loosely, as a”man” refers more to a species and is thus even less fitting. No, Kevin Hart might best be described as a more primitive being, if only a Neanderthal were douchy enough to shave a chinstrap beard.

Don’t let Caveman Hart’s size fool you, if you aren’t familiar with this story, I can divulge that his brain surely rattles around during his infrequent physical activity. The story isn’t very entertaining, it’s actually more sad and embarrassing for everyone involved. But a week ago when ESPN decided to do a follow up on Caveman, you better believe everyone in Scrotum’s Gulch, Nevada jumped at the chance to talk about it again. The abridged version is that this large ape somehow tricked all of his trainers (see: circus) and spectators into thinking a D-1 schools were interested in having him dance for their organ grinders. It was a long involved charade in which obviously, no one asked the obvious questions such as “Why hasn’t Caveman been visiting schools? Why haven’t any coaches been calling? Where’s that pot roast I made?” All the while, he claimed there were full scholarships on the horizon. Now, while I’d like to point out in 2008 the internets flourished, not excluding the following of football recruitment, I can’t be certain Scrotum’s Gulch had this technology to unearth bullshit.

So, Kevin Hart-Attack-Waiting-To-Happen told the school newspaper and even went as far as to organize an assembly to make his decision. In front of the entire school and town, he would make his decision as to which Pac-10 school he would be on when they got beaten by USC in 2008. (Please note, that’s not to say I think USC is amazing, but rather to indicate what a turd of a conference they play in. Furthermore, how bad is Washington that they aren’t even elite enough to be considered for such an absurd lie?) So, the assembly went on, complete with two hats stretched to capacity and held together with coat hangers. Which did he pick, you say? Who cares! Less than 24 hours later he was outed by Cal, Oregon and the waist of his pants. And the consequence for his action? Being featured on ESPN in the worst possible way and becoming more well known than he ever would have been playing football.

So my real question is, what did you think was going to happen? Were you going to run to Mexico and find another fat white mediocre lineman that you could be mistaken for and tell everyone it was you? I give you a skunkbears salute, KH. Maybe you had just watched “Catch Me If You Can” on TBS but fell asleep before he did anything clever, or maybe you just thought the assembly would involve food. Whatever the case, I refuse to believe it was as simple as presented and I look forward to the ESPN annual coverage of your life.

And the moral of the story? Don’t ever live in Nevada. Just don’t.

Regis, out.

Made using ingredients Kurt Warner used to stock at Hy-Vee …

January 29, 2009

Every so often a really good idea comes out of NDNation’s Back Room. This is one of them.

Certified prole food.

Certified prole food.

How did they know we were coming?

January 23, 2009

The ND Athletic Department must have gotten word of our plans for Saturday evening.  I suspected we had some influential readers besides HJK_Irish.  From

Notre Dame will hold its annual BLACK OUT game on Saturday, Jan. 24 when the 19th-ranked Irish play host to third-ranked Connecticut at 7:00 p.m. (ET) as part of ESPN’s College GameDay.

The first 10,000 fans through the gates will receive a free BLACK OUT t-shirt, sponsored by South Bend Orthopaedics, PJ Marketing and the South Bend Tribune. In addition to the shirts, the first 500 students in attendance will receive black wigs, sponsored by Crocs.

Why T-shirts and Croc wigs are being passed our rather than Backer drink coupons isn’t entirely clear, but I like the thought process.  A couple thousand blacked-out students wearing Crocs should get the JACC shaking.

If only half the free drink is spilled, consider it a success.

If only half the free drink is spilled, consider it a success.

The Linebacker Lounge is also preparing for our arrival.  Pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea have been pre-mixed and cougars from all over Michiana are rumored to be on the prowl.  DJ Drew has called in a favor to a friend and a special musical guest will be making an appearance to play a classic Backer tune:

I bet this guy posts on NDNation

January 13, 2009


December 1, 2008

Maybe all this under-performing Irish team needs is a little motivation.  Dr. Lou wasn’t available, so we brought the next best thing:

I don’t know whats worse: that speech or knowing that the Criminoles would likely kick the shit out of Weis’ under-performing Irish team after listening to that drivel.

Won if by land

November 18, 2008

There is nothing like a good pun, except maybe a literary reference.  With his game summary titled Won if by Land, Ryan O’Leary (right out of central casting) of BGI gets my vote for Sportswriter of the Week.  What exactly Ryan is trying to say with this adaptation of a line from Longfellow’s “Paul Revere’s Ride” is not entirely clear.  Is he saying that the Irish “won” due to their success in the ground/”land” aspect of the game?  After all, Notre Dame out-rushed Navy 230-178, when Navy had been averaging over 300 rushing yards a game.  Was this a clever little acknowledgement that the Navy boys are seamen rather than landmen?  There is no way of knowing.  Maybe he just likes Paul Revere and poetry.

Can you blame him? Everyone loves Paul Revere, well maybe not the British soldiers who were owned at Lexington and Concord.  In third grade, I copied some sentences from Encyclopedia Britannica wrote a paper about Paul Revere.  Included was a full color illustrative tribute to Mr. Revere.  When I was in Boston for the ND game two weeks ago, I toured the Old North Church, the place where Paul’s accomplice hung the famous lanterns (Won if by land, two if by sea).  Outside the church was a monument to a true stallion of a man, Paul Revere.  A man like that deserves a statue. 

ride it, my pony.

Later that night night, as I was walking to the ND-BC Hockey game I encountered another statue, a 3X scale replica depicting Doug Flutie’s Hail Mary pass against Miami from his Heisman Trophy season.  The 6 foot tall statue had been unveiled earlier that day.  Flutie was a heck of a college football player and he wasn’t too shabby in his 1800-Collect commercials either, but is he really worthy of immortilization by statue?  Why don’t we just erect a Toto statue?  I could dance at the Backer, drinking long island iced teas and singing about the “rains down in Africa” all night.  Does that mean Toto should have a statue outside the Linebacker Lounge?  Maybe.  But, with a bar set that low everyone will be able to jump over it, well except for people in wheel chairs.
Listen my children and you shall hear, Of a last second pass that defined a career

Listen my children and you shall hear, Of a last second pass that defined a career

The clean, cool chill of the holiday air…

November 17, 2008

…an asshole head coach in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer…


First image of Quaid as Nutt…I pity any man who lights a match within ten yards of this movie. It’s going to be dynamite.

“CF: The Movie”- Casting The SEC

November 17, 2008

Good morning, dear readers. First let me apologize for the delay in this post, it should have been up Friday, but I was too hungover to even pretend to be clever. Then by the time I got my poop in a group, turned out I had work at my job to do.

Regardless, this is big news for the progress of initially casting “College Football: The Movie”.  Today’s focus is on part one of the SEC. Truly an all-star cast already, the SEC has really upped the standards for acting.  Note: the majority of these actors were chosen by their previous roles, which may or may not be incorporated…


Phillip Fulmer played by Fred Thompson

Keep it in the family. That’s the motto in Knoxville, so naturally they turned to Thompson, the fair state’s former senator, fresh off his failed presidential candidacy run. Fred doesn’t follow football and as result, doesn’t know yet that this story doesn’t have a happy ending either.


Sylvester Croom played by Danny Glover

Not much to say here. Forrest Whitaker turned down the role assuming it was an animated movie and Sylvester Croom was a new Looney Tune character. This is another role about overcoming adversity clearly. Glover is already trying to work in “I’m getting too old for this sh*t” into the script. Little does he know, true to real life, Croom has very little to say in the film.



Rick Brooks played by Craig T. Nelson

Great casting choice by producers, just remember, when talking to Nelson, his character’s name is “Hayden Fox”, it’s just easier, trust us.


Bobby Johnson played by James Brolin

A decent actor for a bit-part.


Houston Nutt played by Randy Quaid

Basically, Randy will be returning to his Cousin Eddie character from the Vacation movies, only with a little more Southern charm, but maintaining the Dixie-bred bumbling around.


Les Miles played by Kurt Russell

Very simply, an action role. This part is set to inspire a spin-off movie called “Escape from Baton Rouge”; it has something to do with a hurricane ruined society and battling an evil pot smoking quarterback trying to take over.


Mark Richt played by Kevin Costner

Costner showed early interest in the role, wanting to really delve into who Richt really is and give him some depth. However, realizing the potential overacting of the part, and wanting to avoid a Waterworld-esque budget disaster, Costner has been put on the back burner. Coincidentally, “Waterworld” was the first title choice for “Escape from Baton Rouge”.


Mark Richt played by William Fitchner

Perhaps a more fitting thespian, definitely an equally fitting hairline, producers have hired character actor Fitchner.


Urban Meyer played by Christian Bale

Rumors are, in yet another movie crossover, Patrick Bateman-like scenes of Meyer. More details on that to come. Another rumor suggests that in order to be more ominous, Bale will use a nasally voice while speaking through his headset.


The Ghost of Bear Bryant played by James Cromwell

Stay tuned for discriptions of dream sequences with Saban and Bryant.

“That’ll do, pig face.”


Coming soon, new Friday casting post, depending on my Thursday night activities…

ND-Navy Game: Weekend Predictions

November 12, 2008

As everyone I’m sure has heard by now, Weis has taken back the reigns of the Notre Dame sleigh as only a jolly rotund man can. He hopes that this shift against the Sea Men will return the team to glory, like 2007….wait…

Some attribute this move to assistant coaching and point out that his record is actually worse than Bob Davie’s was at the same point. But in lieu of trading in his coaching headset for a commentator’s mic, Weis has taken matters into his own hands, leaving Mike Haywood JaHireMe a little less busy come Saturday morning.

So for my entry today, I’d like a take a stab at what kind of calls we can look forward to seeing.


RHD’s predictions: Philly Cheese Steak Pizza, Supreme, and Triple Bacon.

Crack that first beer early, game starts at 11am central time.