Posts Tagged ‘Kevin Hart’

Great Moments in Recruiting History

February 9, 2009

Yes, another slow day at work for me and a slow day of ND news unless you want to just countdown until the next Irish basketball loss. So before I start talking about why Luke Zeller could never balance sunglasses, let’s get back in that LaBaron and hang a u-turn.



Kevin Hart: Big Fool or the Biggest Fool? You be the judge.

Last year at this time, recruiting season, you all might remember a story that came out about a boy named Kevin Hart. Clearly you realize I use the term “boy” loosely, as a”man” refers more to a species and is thus even less fitting. No, Kevin Hart might best be described as a more primitive being, if only a Neanderthal were douchy enough to shave a chinstrap beard.

Don’t let Caveman Hart’s size fool you, if you aren’t familiar with this story, I can divulge that his brain surely rattles around during his infrequent physical activity. The story isn’t very entertaining, it’s actually more sad and embarrassing for everyone involved. But a week ago when ESPN decided to do a follow up on Caveman, you better believe everyone in Scrotum’s Gulch, Nevada jumped at the chance to talk about it again. The abridged version is that this large ape somehow tricked all of his trainers (see: circus) and spectators into thinking a D-1 schools were interested in having him dance for their organ grinders. It was a long involved charade in which obviously, no one asked the obvious questions such as “Why hasn’t Caveman been visiting schools? Why haven’t any coaches been calling? Where’s that pot roast I made?” All the while, he claimed there were full scholarships on the horizon. Now, while I’d like to point out in 2008 the internets flourished, not excluding the following of football recruitment, I can’t be certain Scrotum’s Gulch had this technology to unearth bullshit.

So, Kevin Hart-Attack-Waiting-To-Happen told the school newspaper and even went as far as to organize an assembly to make his decision. In front of the entire school and town, he would make his decision as to which Pac-10 school he would be on when they got beaten by USC in 2008. (Please note, that’s not to say I think USC is amazing, but rather to indicate what a turd of a conference they play in. Furthermore, how bad is Washington that they aren’t even elite enough to be considered for such an absurd lie?) So, the assembly went on, complete with two hats stretched to capacity and held together with coat hangers. Which did he pick, you say? Who cares! Less than 24 hours later he was outed by Cal, Oregon and the waist of his pants. And the consequence for his action? Being featured on ESPN in the worst possible way and becoming more well known than he ever would have been playing football.

So my real question is, what did you think was going to happen? Were you going to run to Mexico and find another fat white mediocre lineman that you could be mistaken for and tell everyone it was you? I give you a skunkbears salute, KH. Maybe you had just watched “Catch Me If You Can” on TBS but fell asleep before he did anything clever, or maybe you just thought the assembly would involve food. Whatever the case, I refuse to believe it was as simple as presented and I look forward to the ESPN annual coverage of your life.

And the moral of the story? Don’t ever live in Nevada. Just don’t.

Regis, out.